I’m pretty sure that as a certified business owner, I’m never supposed to lose my cool. I’m supposed to act in charge and confident and like I have total control of every situation. Everything is hunky dory.
As a writer, however, I feel I am allowed to be as stressed out and neurotic as I want to be, and that’s a good thing too, because I am a stressful and neurotic person.
There are a lot of things that contribute to this.
1) Genetics. Anxiety runs rampant in my family. A few members are very prone to anxiety attacks. Me? I’m more of the obsessive-compulsive/controlling type of anxious. I used to not be able to sit through a movie without stressing myself out about something that was totally beyond my control (and not at all likely to happen). I’m a lot better now, but the urge to control and make sure everything is going exactly the way I want it to go is still there.
2) I was raised in private school. Now, I’m sure they crack down on homework and assignments wherever you go to school, but in my elementary school, we had the “yellow card” system. If you didn’t do your homework, you got a yellow card, a physical representation of your disgrace and failure which you had to sign in front of the entire class. I, being the perfect goody-two-shoes that I was, made a vow that I would never get a yellow card throughout my entire elementary school experience. Well, guess what? I got two, both of which not only ruined my entire week but totally obliterated my already fragile self-worth. I made sure I was even more perfect throughout high school. I never once missed an assignment or served a detention.
That fear of failure and humiliation, combined with my near-crippling need to control every aspect of my life, has followed me all the way to my adult years. It’s the reason I never cook. I always joke and say that I can’t cook, I’m horrible in the kitchen, I’ll make a terrible wife, etc… But the truth is, I really don’t have all that much experience cooking because something in my crazy, neurotic brain tells me that if I don’t measure everything exactly right or if I don’t time everything to a tee, then everything will be ruined and I will be a failure.
I thought (or at least hoped) that with this business, I would stay on top of everything. I would make a list of goals, accomplish those goals, and voila! My life would be awesome and easy.
Add that to my ever-expanding list of things that I have learned on this publishing venture.
I’m finally reaching the point where I’m realizing that I can’t be in control and perfect all the time. Things aren’t always going to get done when I think and hope they need to get done. The thing that I’m writing about right now is honestly so small and insignificant that it should not be bothering me, but it’s bothering me enough for me to write out this long, angsty story about my control issues. But you know, in the long run, I think it’s important that I get this out and come to terms with it. I won’t be able to control everything, and it’s okay. I’ve been in this situation before and everything has worked out alright in the end. I see no reason why this time should be any different. I’m hoping that this might even help me in the future, because I know this will happen again.
All that being said, I am incredibly, incredibly proud of my little business. Even if Wind Trail Publishing doesn’t earn a dime, I will always be happy to say that I founded it, and not just because I’m able to publish my own books. It’s because I set out to do something, and I did it. I’ve learned a lot along the way, and I’m pretty sure I’ll be learning a lot more in the coming weeks.
Speaking of, it is officially Tuesday, which means there are only six more weeks to go until Cemetery Tours is released! I’m officially past the excited part and now onto the “Oh-my-God-I-still-have-so-much-to-do-what-if-I-don’t-finish?” part. Even so, I’m still betting that it will all work out.