Godzilla: A Very Girly Review

Okay, so I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.  I’m a girl.  I like girly things like Disney Princesses, kittens, and Nicholas Sparks novels. I’m not really into manicures or shopping, but as far as movies and books go, I am 100% girly girl.

That being said, my sister, who is home from college for the summer, really wanted to see Godzilla.  I’m not opposed to a summer blockbuster action flick, but I’d be lying if I said it would be something I’d be lining up to see if someone else hadn’t suggested it.  The Fault in Our Stars on the other hand… I already have reservations for a pre-screening and I will be camped out for hours to make sure I get those seats.  See the difference?

Anyway, my sister likes destruction and she likes summer blockbusters and she LOVES Bryan Cranston, so she really really wanted to see Godzilla.

I do not have much experience with the worlds most infamous giant lizard.  In fact, I’ve only seen one Godzilla movie in my life, the 1998 production with Matthew Broderick.  I thought it was a pretty decent movie.  Now, do I remember most of it?  No.  All I really remember is Godzilla was just looking for a place to lay her eggs.  Then her babies hatched, the humans blew them up, and Godzilla came back and was all sad and nuzzling her dead babies and it made me cry.  And Matthew Broderick was in it.

That’s just kind of how action movies work in my head.  Giant lizard destroys stuff.  Sad dead babies.  Guy who plays Simba.

I actually remember the plot of the new Godzilla, so while it’s fresh on my mind, I thought I’d do a little review/commentary.  Please keep in mind that I am not a very experienced reviewer and that I think I’m really funny.  Also, if you have not seen the new Godzilla and do not want spoilers, please do not continue reading, or if you do, proceed with caution.

*Note* These thoughts are not in any particular order.  Just thoughts I had throughout the movie.  Most of them had to do with comparing the new Godzilla with my scattered memories of the 1998 one.  Enjoy.

Thoughts on Godzilla

* The opening credits are really cool.  I don’t remember the other movie’s opening credits, so +1 to the new version.

* Juliette Binoche is in this?!  Yay!  I love her!

* Juliette Binoche is already dead?  Boo.  I like the other movie better.

* That guy (older Ford) looks way too young to have a five-year-old kid.

* And his wife really looks like an Olsen twin.

* Bryan Cranston, you are the best part of this movie so far.

* This looks like a zombie movie.

* I wish there were zombies in this movie.

* OMG the Godzilla egg is hatching!

* WTF that’s Godzilla?

* Why is Godzilla a giant flying bug thing?

* Oh, that’s not Godzilla.

* Bryan Cranston is DEAD?!  Why am I watching this movie?

* I don’t even know what’s happening with this bug thing.

* Holy cow, the wife is Elizabeth Olsen!  Mary-Kate and Ashely’s little sister!  What the heck!

* She’s too young to have a five-year-old.

* Oh okay, there’s the real Godzilla.

* That makes a lot more sense.

* Though this Godzilla is kind of fat.

* And he has a really tiny head.

* He’s kind of disproportional.

* I like the old Godzilla better.

* He looks like a dinosaur.

* I wish this was Jurassic Park.

* Ew, gross, now there are TWO of those giant bug things.

* EW THE NEW ONE HAS EGGS OMG.

* So now these giant mutant nuclear-radiation-eating bug monsters are traveling across the world to spawn.

* And Godzilla is rising up out the sea to eat them.  Because that’s what he eats.

* So really none of these creatures are evil.  They’re just all acting on their natural instincts.

* Still, they’re wreaking havoc, which is going to be a HUGE mess to clean up.

* I still can’t believe the wife is Elizabeth Olsen.

* I feel so old.

* The bug mutant monsters really seem to love each other.

* That’s kind of cute.

* Why do their eggs glow?

* WTF why does Godzilla breathe radioactive blue fire?!

* Can all the Godzillas do that?

* Is Godzilla secretly a dragon?

* I wish he was a dragon.  I love dragons.

* It’s kind of sweet that the Mom mutant bug monster is so sad that her eggs died, but I’m not entirely convinced that it’s the kind of creature that would care about her offspring.  Do most bugs care for their larvae?  Or whatever?

* I feel like they spawn just to continue on with the species, not out of any sort of affection for their kids.  That might just be my interpretation, however.

* I’m also really not convinced that Godzilla and Ford share a special moment.  Godzilla is just trying to eat the bug monsters.  That’s what he does to survive.  He’s not trying to act heroic and save the citizens of the world from the evil moths or whatever.  He doesn’t care.

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13 thoughts on “Godzilla: A Very Girly Review

  1. LMAO, that was hilarious! Being a geek and Godzilla fan, there was sooo many things wrong with your review, but it was pretty funny and honest, so it’s all good. When Expendables 3 comes out later this summer, review it!

  2. Love this review. When I was a small tiddly wink, I cried at monster movies. Monsters just do what monsters do. It is the filthy humans that want to destroy, kill, annihilate. You and I should stick to musicals like seven brides for seven brothers. XXX

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