My Fantasy Self

As you may or may not know, last week, I finally read Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell and yesterday, I read Eleanor and Park.  Without sounding too creepy, I’ve pretty much decided that Rainbow Rowell is one of my new literary heroes, so naturally, I decided to follow her on Twitter.

Following people you admire on Twitter is always a risk, because you might find out they’re not exactly the people you thought (or at least hoped) they were, but Rainbow Rowell is just as awesome as her writing style.  Just the other day, she posted something about how we all like to read fantasy versions of ourselves, and that her fantasy version of herself is Han Solo.

My initial reaction to that was, “My fantasy version of myself is a cross between Katniss Everdeen, Hermione Granger, and Ariel.”  But that’s not really the case.  I mean, yeah, I wish I was as brave as Katniss and as smart as Hermione and as adventurous as Ariel.  But there are still elements of me that I really really like.  I like my sense of humor.  I like that I enjoy writing and editing and nerdy things.  I like that I am a compulsive truth-teller (though other people might not appreciate that one as much).

My fantasy version of myself is a mixture of all those things, plus a few more traits that I envy about other people.  For example, my fantasy self has a lot more self-confidence than I do.  I’m extremely confident in my books and work, but in myself?  Not so much.  In grad school, my self-esteen was nil and it was really hard to concentrate on my goals and what I wanted out of life.  It’s gotten better, but it’s something I still struggle with.  Maybe I always will.  My fantasy self, however, dresses the way she wants, is cool and confident, and never worries about what other people think.

My fantasy self isn’t a dweller.  She doesn’t worry about the worst-case scenarios the way I do.  Granted, that might come with the whole writer thing.  Life always plays out in my head like a movie or a book.  Probably not the best coping mechanism for when life really gets rough because I always, always imagine the worst.  To be honest, I actually imagine every scenario and then dwell on the worst.  It’s awful.

Finally, my fantasy self knows what she wants out of life and she goes for it.  I hope I’m at least a little like that, but I still have fears and self-doubts that get in my way.  Maybe we all do.  Right now, I’m even debating whether or not this entry is worth posting, because I really don’t like to talk so much about myself.  I’ll probably post it anyway, because I’m hoping it will help put y’all in touch with your fantasy selves.  I don’t know if it’s ever a good idea to wish that you were someone else.  You should always be happy with who you are.  But as my dear friend Hannah pointed out to me, it’s always good to try to improve yourself.  No one wants to stay stagnant for the rest of their lives.  I know I don’t.  I want to be the best I can be, and I know, as a human, I don’t always put forth the effort into becoming that.  Maybe that will be one of my new years resolutions (that gives me a little time to still be a slacker).

Oh, I almost forgot.  My fantasy self has totally paid off all her student loans and owns a beach house in the Gulf Shores.  She eats a whole lot healthier than I do, and she really hopes to have not one, but two new books out next year.  I guess time will tell.