A Paper Review

After reading the internationally acclaimed bestseller, The Fault in Our Stars, I decided I was going to read every single book John Green had ever written.  I read Looking for Alaska and An Abundance of Katherines.  Both were pretty okay, though I noticed several similarities between all three books.  But I’d heard that, besides TFIOSPaper Towns was one of the best, so I saved it for last.

I didn’t like it.  In fact, I kind of hated it.

I don’t publicize this fact very often because SO many people love Paper Towns and SO many people love John Green.  I’m one of them!  John Green is great!  He’s smart, he’s hilarious, he wrote one of my very favorite books.

But God, do I hate Paper Towns.

I don’t really want to go off on a long, preachy rant about everything that I hated, so I’ll try to summarize my feelings as best as I can.

  • Don’t care about what happens to the characters.
  • Margo Roth Spieglemeyer or whatever her last name is a selfish, superior, manipulative bi-yatch and I’m really glad she disappeared halfway through the book.
  • That being said, I think Q is a pathetic excuse for a character and I have no idea why he’s so obsessed with her.
  • Radar is great, but their other friend, Ben, is the most annoying character in the history of fiction.  He’s gross, he’s sexist, he objectifies women in the sleaziest way… This character literally sends shudders of disgust down my spine.  Every time he utters the words “honey-bunny” I want to kick something.
  • This book is literally about Q pining for Margo.
  • So bored.
  • Ridiculously close to not finishing this book.
  • Oh road trip.  This is almost interesting.
  • Margo should have turned out to be a serial killer.  That would have been a great ending.

So yeah, those are my thoughts on the book.  Needless to say, I was less than enthusiastic when I found out they were making it into a movie.  I really didn’t think I would see it, at least not in the theater.  I may have watched it once it hit On-Demand.  But my sister and her best friend really wanted to see it and since they’re both leaving to go back to school soon, I decided to go with them.

I went into the movie thinking I would hate it.  I admit it.  I went in with a lousy attitude because of how much I hated the book.  The movie, it turns out, is actually entertaining.  I was pleasantly surprised.  True, everything I hated about the book, I still hated about the movie, but at least the movie made me laugh.

So, true to my old review form, here are my thoughts on Paper Towns:

  • Not even five minutes into this movie and I’m already sick of hearing about Margo Roth Swampmonster.
  • If my kid found a dead body, I would send him/her to counseling.  Margo probably have used it.
  • Can’t tell if Cara Delevingne is a really awkward actress or if I just hate the character so much that every time she speaks, I cringe.  Possibly both.
  • Margo is making fun of Q because he has goals?  Because he has ambition?  That is so wrong on so many levels.  Goals and ambitions are GOOD things to have!  I’ve always had ambitions.  True, you should strive to be happy while you are achieving those goals, but come ON.  It’s good to have dreams, kids.  Don’t believe the Margo Roth Spillfiggle in your life.
  • Also breaking into people’s houses is not edgy or cool.  It’s against the law.  Don’t do it.
  • For a movie that’s not airing on Lifetime, Paper Towns sure has a lot of slow-motion sequences.
  • Nat Wolff, I don’t know what it is, but something about your face makes me want to punch you.  I’m sure you’re a nice person, and I’m sorry I feel that way, but I do.
  • Okay, so the movie version of Ben isn’t quite as disgusting or sexist or perverse as the book version.  Actually, the actor playing him is hilarious, even though he kind of looks like he’s twelve.  If he hadn’t been playing this character that I hate so much, I’d probably love him.
  • Radar is still amazing.  Great casting.  I laughed out loud at the black Santas.
  • Ditching school to visit decrepit old buildings.  Yeah, that’s a smart idea.  Although I don’t believe none of these kids have ever missed school a day in their lives.  Everyone catches the flu sometimes.
  • Again, people, do not look up to the Margo Roth Spawnmeisters in your life.  School is important.  School is cool.
  • Something about a party.  Ben needs to be neutered.
  • Q is letting his stupid infatuation with Margo turn him into a jerk who yells at his friends because they’re not as obsessed with her as he is.  Jerk.
  • Did anyone actually throw parties like this in high school?  Seriously, you see them in movies and TV shows all the time but I’ve never actually heard of one happening.  Maybe it’s because I was in band in high school.  I don’t know.
  • Oh my God, Ben, Q, and Radar drunkenly singing the Pokemon theme song at the top of their lungs just redeemed this whole movie.
  • Road trip time!  The only part of the book I actually liked.
  • Radar and Angela are so cute.  And way to tell him not to be afraid of you and to actually treat you like a person, girl! Preach!
  • Poor Radar.  This whole trip.  Poor Radar.  Laughing out loud.
  • ANSEL ELGORT.  AUGUSTUS WATERS.  THANK YOU MOVIE GODS FOR THE CAMEO I NEVER KNEW I NEEDED.
  • I think Q should be going for Lacey, not Margo. She’s actually a nice person. She cares. Fairly certain she’s asking Ben to Prom out of pity.
  • Radar and Angela are too cute.
  • Q, just listen to your friends.  Margo isn’t there.  She’s a bi-yatch.  Forget her.  She literally doesn’t care about any of you.  Don’t be a jerk to them just because the girl you like is a terrible person.
  • Also, why do these kids keep acting like the end of high school is the end of their whole lives?  They’re like, “Oh, this is it.  We’re going to go away and never see each other again.”  I don’t know about any of y’all, but I’m still really good friends with the people I was really good friends with in high school.  Yeah, we all went to college but there is such a thing as long-distance friendships.
  • Margo, I still hate you.  You’re not deep.  You’re just selfish.  Get lost and stay lost.
  • Again with the whole last week of high school nostalgia.  By my last week of high school, my friends and I were all like, “YEAH!  GRADUATION!  LET’S GO!”  I loved my high school and I still love and admire my teachers.  In fact, I’m still in touch with most of them.  I had the best high school experience a kid could ask for.  But I was SO ready to graduate.
  • Q, go become a doctor.  Get married.  Buy a house.  Have kids.  That doesn’t make you a paper person.  Those are all very good things.  Love is important.  Family is important.  Anyone who tells you otherwise… Well… Is probably Margo Roth Spaghettiman.
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8 thoughts on “A Paper Review

  1. I love this review/ranting. hahahaha. I haven’t read or watched the movie. But I remembered the time I saw the book on a bookstand and I didn’t like the summary of it, so I didn’t buy the book.

    Another reason for not reading this is the fact that I love TFIOS so much. I mean, I don’t like to replace my admiration to John Green with this unrealistic novel. If I want unrealistic novels, I would rather go and read fantasy novels.

    Haha. But because you said that Ansel Elgort has cameo, maybe I will be watching this… SOON!

    • Thank you! Yeah, The Fault in Our Stars is a gem, a masterpiece, and I will always love John Green for it. I do not recommend the book, but the movie is pretty watchable because of A) Ansel 😉 and B) it’s actually pretty funny. Radar and Angela are the cutest. Just ignore the scenes with Margo and it’s a fine movie.

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