A Zoolander Reviewlander

I almost hesitate to write this review, because writing this review means admitting that I actually saw this movie.  On the day it came out.

I think most of us have seen the original Zoolander by now.  It’s something of a cult classic.  A really, really stupid cult classic, but I can’t lie.  I’ve seen it.  I own the DVD.  I laugh every time.  I might have always had a little bit of a crush on Owen Wilson.  My sister thinks that’s hilarious for some reason.  When Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson made a surprise appearance dressed as their characters in that fashion show, I think everyone was pretty excited.  Or at least mildly amused.

To put this as nicely as possible, the sequel is not anywhere near as enjoyable or hilarious the first movie.  In fact, it probably should not exist.  I think the world would be a better place if Zoolander 1 was the only Zoolander.

So… Here are my thoughts.  In the same style as all my reviews before, no real rhyme or reason or structure.  There will definitely be spoilers.  But honestly, does anyone really care if I spoil this movie?  Is it even possible?

I guess we’ll find out.

Thoughts on Zoolander 2

  • Thanks to the trailer, I know that Justin Beiber is going to die. I’m no beleiber.  Not by any means.  But I do feel kind of sorry for the kid.
  • Okay, that was OVERKILL.  Whoever wrote this screenplay just really, really, really, really wanted to obliterate the Beibs.  I get that people love to hate him, but honestly?  That was brutal.
  • Am I spelling Beiber right?  I’m not actually sure.
  • Oh well. I don’t care enough to look it up.
  • Oh NO! They killed Lenny Kravitz too?!  This is Catching Fire all over again!
  • WHAT. They killed off Matilda?  Did Christine Taylor just not want to be in this movie or something?
  • See, this bugs me.  I really liked how the first movie ended, with Derek and Hansel discovering that there IS more to life than being really, really, really ridiculously good-looking.  I thought it was so cute.  They both seemed so happy and fulfilled.
  • I think I’m going to pretend that this movie doesn’t exist.
  • BILLY ZANE.  Oh my gosh, I am laughing so hard that BILLY ZANE is back.
  • Oh, Owen Wilson what in the world are you doing with yourself?  What is with this weird harem?  I don’t even want to go talk about the fact that he apparently knocked everyone up, including the men and the goat.
  • Susan Boyle at the airport.  I’m beginning to think that the celebrity cameos are the only thing making this movie worth watching.
  • Something about a bath house made entirely of poop?  What?  What am I even watching?!
  • Hansel has a Harry Potter scar.  Okay.
  • BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH. NO. NO. OMG I ACTUALLY SCREAMED.
  • Having a minor crisis over the fact that I watched The Imitation Game, a beautiful, brilliant, inspiring, heartbreaking, masterpiece of a film not eighteen hours ago and now I’m staring at the man who portrayed the father of modern computer science and essentially won World War II and now he has no eyebrows and is making weird sex eyes at Ben Stiller.
  • But seriously HOW did they convince BENEDICT TIMOTHY CARLTON CUMBERBATCH to appear in this movie?  How?  He did not need to be in this movie.  His career is already legendary.  Did he just think this would be a silly fun side project to add to his resume?  Because this movie did him no favors.  HE did THEM a favor.
  • Oh my God.  He’s a bird.  Benedict Cumberbatch is a bird.  And he’s cawing.  And he’s whipping Ben Stiller.
  • I mean, I guess he got some practice with a whip in that first episode of Sherlock…
  • BENEDICT WHY.
  • I don’t think I’m going to get over this.
  • Stuff is happening.  I don’t know.  Something about the Garden of Eden?  Steve?
  • Derek is reunited with his son, Derek Jr. and he is distressed over the fact that he is fat and homely.  Seriously who wrote this script?  That poor kid!
  • Ghost Christine Taylor and the reemergence of the Evil Break-Dancing DJ.  Definitely pretending this movie doesn’t exist.
  • I do like that Derek still has his tiny little phone.
  • Okay, the Wake Me Up Before You Go Go scene is kind of funny.  However, the car crash that results from Derek’s use of a selfie stick is a bit traumatizing.  But you know, that’s what happens when you selfie and drive.  Bad idea, kids.  Bad idea.
  • I think the thing that’s really bothering me about this movie is that it’s lacking the heart that I saw in the first one.  Yeah, it was stupid with a lot of weird jokes, but this movie just seems to be all cheap laughs and no heart.  There were “Aw” moments in the first one.  None in this.
  • I guess except when Sting reveals that he’s Hansel’s father.  That actually cracked me up.
  • How did they get STING in this movie, anyway?
  • HOW DID THEY GET NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON IN THIS MOVIE?
  • Okay, MC Hammer in fashion jail is funny too.  See?  Celebrity cameos are hilarious.
  • Oh, Will Ferrell.  I love you as Buddy the Elf.  This movie?  I don’t know.  You’re just way too weird.
  • TODD.  I like Todd.
  • OMG the dog is stuffed.  OMG he’s carrying around a stuffed dog.
  • I legit cannot even watch this make-out scene.  Please stop.
  • Okay, weird satanic ritual at the fashion show.
  • I’m so done with this movie.  I just want to go home and watch something intellectually stimulating.  Which, compared to this movie, could literally be anything.

Well.  There you have it.  Zoolander 2.  Not the worst movie I’ve ever seen, but definitely not one I’d recommend seeing.

And you know what makes all this so much worse?  I saw this movie… WITH MY MOM.

Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone.

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7 thoughts on “A Zoolander Reviewlander

  1. I saw this movie with my Mum too! We couldn’t understand why they kept dragging the scenes out so much? They overkilled a lot of the scenes, like the whole “Who am I” scene when they were in Rome. I liked the Billy Zane parts,lol

  2. I have to admit, I haven’t seen the first Zoolander (hadn’t heard of it until today!). Thank you so much for saving me from ALL Zoolanders. lol x

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