What’s Inside

Today, it has been exactly one year since beloved actor, comedian, and Genie Robin Williams took his own life.  I’m still not entirely over it.  I realized that I haven’t watched one of my favorite Disney movies, Aladdin, in over a year because I’ve been afraid it would make me sad.

In the past year, my friends and I have opened up a lot to each other about our struggles with anxiety, depression, obsessive compulsive disorder, etc…  Our discussions have lead me to look back on the lowest point in my battle with mental illness and to realize and be thankful for how far I’ve come.  But the thing is even though I’m being treated and doing 100% better than I was back in the darker days, it still hasn’t entirely gone away.  Most days I’m fine.  But I definitely still have moments of anxiety, of doubt, of fear.

I read an interesting quote the other day.

“You cannot always control what goes on outside.  But you can always control what goes on inside.”

This might be true for the lucky ones out there, but it isn’t true for those battling mental illness.  It definitely isn’t true for me.  There was a time in my life when I could control it.  I could control everything.  That’s the way I like it.  I’ll be the first to admit I have major control issues (not when it comes to other people, but when it comes to my own life?  Oh boy…).  But try as you might, you can’t control the little voices in the back of your head telling you you’re not good enough, you’re not smart enough, something terrible is going to happen, no one wants you around, you’re just getting in the way, you’re annoying everyone you love, on and on and on…

It’s horrible.  It’s impossible to feel good when you have this constant nagging.  The worst part is you know that it’s irrational.  It makes no sense that you should feel that way.  But that doesn’t make it go away.  If anything, it makes you feel worse.

I know it sounds like i’m not better.  I promise you, I am.  We all have days.  I’ve had a few over the summer.  I’ve become more susceptible to social anxiety, which is more annoying than anything, but it’s something I’m trying to work through and understand.  But I’m much better than I was back in 2012, when I was at my absolute lowest.  I didn’t even realize how bad it had gotten until recently, when I went back and read a few journal entries that i’d written before I went to get help.

10/3/12

The low self esteem is back, and this time, it’s not going away.

I’m trying.  I’m really trying to make it go away.  I’m trying to be positive.  I’m trying to engage in things I love.  I’m trying to tell myself that one day, I’ll be exactly what I want to be.  A writer.  A traveller.  Independent.  Confident.  A girl worthy of love.  

But I don’t feel any of that.  I feel immature and scared and crippled.  I feel even worse because I’m reminded constantly that I have no reason to feel all these things, that I’m a grown up, twenty four years old.  I see people all around me confident and happy and able to be happy for other people.  When I realize that I’m not like that, it makes me feel even worse.  

I want to be happy with who I am.  I want to feel proud of myself.  I want to be happy to be me.  I want to be the person I dream of being.  But I’m a time-waster.  I’m selfish.  I wallow in self pity when I have no reason to, and being reminded that I have no reason to makes me feel so much worse.  I try to deny all these things, because I know it will upset people around me if I act on them.  I don’t want to hurt anyone.    

I’m scared because I’ve never thought I would be one for depression.  I wish I could just run away, take some time for myself, stand on my own two legs.  Take some time from everyone I’ve ever known, everything I’ve ever been and I’m expected to be. I don’t feel free.  I constantly have this voice in my head.  “Loser! Worthless! Never amount to anything! No one should love you!”

I wish I had someone I could talk to, who understands what I’m feeling.  I need to grow up.  I need to let go of everything holding me back.  I need to go out and have fun.  I think that’s what really hit me in the face.  That I actually have to be forced to go out and have fun.  Something’s not right. When I struggle to get out of bed every morning, when the thought of living my day to day routine brings tears to my eyes, it’s time to do something about it.  

I want to finish my novel.  I want to feel worthy of love.  I want to feel like the happy, carefree girl I once was.  I want to enjoy life.  I want to be optimistic.  I want to like people again.  I want to feel that life is always worth living.  I want to be genuinely happy for my friends and not always thinking about all the bad stuff that could happen.  I want to stop looking at the world subjectively.  I want to stop thinking I know best.  I want to learn to love myself again.

Okay, so again, this is from three years ago.  I’m a very different person now.  I’m happy now.  I am all the things I wanted to be and more.  I barely recognize the girl who wrote all of that.  But I’m sharing it because I think it needs to be shared.  If I can help one person who is feeling the same way but is afraid to get help, then it’s worth it.

Like I said, I still have my days.  I’ve recently opened myself up to something that I think (or I hope at least) will be a very good thing.  I’m very, very happy.  I’m also terrified.  I’m scared to death that I’ll do something wrong.  That I won’t amount.  That I’m not worthy of this good thing.  One of the my biggest obstacles in my fight against mental illness has been learning to trust.  To put my faith and hope and love in other people.  I can be guarded.  I put up defenses because I’m scared to death of being vulnerable.  But I think I’m getting there.

Living with mental illness, be it anxiety, depression, OCD, what have you, is difficult.  I don’t think anyone who’s been there will tell you otherwise.  It’s draining to constantly be in battle with your own mind.  But you can overcome it.  It’s possible.  Believe me, it’s possible.  And it’s worth it.  Life is good.  Life is so good that sometimes, it makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time.  That sounds hokey, I know.  But it’s the truth.  Promise me you’ll never forget it.

Rest in Peace, Robin.  Your legacy lives on.  We love you.

Double Movie Day

Two years ago, my sister insisted that I needed to see Wreck-It Ralph before Christmas.  I turned around and said that she needed to see the first Hobbit movie (although she’s not really a fan of Middle Earth, she loves Martin Freeman).  We decided, what the heck?  Let’s see them both in the same day.  Thus Double Movie Day was born.

This year was our third year in a row to celebrate Double Movie Day.  Last year, we saw Frozen and the second Hobbit.  We could very well have kept up with tradition and gone to see a Disney movie and then the final film in the Hobbit trilogy, but the big white thing in the new Disney movie scares me and I have way too many problems with what I’ve heard of the third Hobbit movie to sit through it in the theater.  Instead, we decided on The Theory of Everything and Night at the Museum 3.

Now, I’m not a reviewer at heart.  However, I do very much love giving my opinion on films.  Instead of making this a beautiful and eloquent piece about the highs and lows of the movies, I’m going to format this post the way I did when I “reviewed” Godzilla over the summer: https://jackiesmith114.wordpress.com/2014/05/18/godzilla-a-very-girly-review/  

WARNING!  SPOILERS AHEAD!

Thoughts on The Theory of Everything

*This movie looks so good.  I can’t wait to see it.

*Stephen Hawking is really smart.  I hope I understand this movie.

*I wonder what young Stephen Hawking would have said if someone had told him that he would grow up to be a guest star on The Big Bang Theory.

*I had no idea Stephen Hawking was English.

*Eddie Redmayne is really cute.  I’m attracted to a guy playing a young Stephen Hawking.  I don’t know how to feel about this.

*I love guys in glasses and cardigans.

*This movie is just beautiful.  It’s just a beautiful movie.  The music, the cinematography, the lighting, the camera angles.  Everything about this movie is beautiful.

*OMG his roommate is Khaleesi’s creepy brother.

*He’s hot too.

*Stephen Hawking asked her to dance! This is so romantic!

*OMG his professor is LUPIN!

*He’s not hot.  Sorry, Lupin.

*Must stop thinking about The Big Bang Theory.  

*This movie constantly has me on the verge of tears.

*I’m loving this movie because it makes math, science, and intellect so beautiful.  It’s brilliant and artistic.

*Eddie Redmayne deserves an Oscar nomination.  His portrayal of Stephen Hawking and his initial diagnosis and progression of his Lou Gehrig’s Disease is raw, passionate, and heartbreaking.

*At least we know Stephen Hawking doesn’t die.

“What do Sheldon Cooper and a black hole have in common?  They both suck.  Neener neener.”

Thoughts on Night at the Museum 3

*Robin Williams.

*Rami Malek.  You are so cute.  Why are you not in the first two movies more?  Why are you not in more movies in general? I need more of your cuteness.

*Steve Coogan and Owen Wilson are hilarious together.

*Octodaddy.

*Love Ben Stiller’s caveman doppelganger.

*I LOVE Rebel Wilson!  “What, have you never seen a gorgeous woman before who could be a model if she didn’t love pizza so much?”

*Teddy Roosevelt + Sacajawea = OTP

*MATTHEW FROM DOWNTON ABBEY IS LANCELOT AND OMG HE IS HILARIOUS.

*The whole exchange between Pharaoh Ben Kingsley and Ben Stiller about basically everything in Exodus is, quite frankly, one of the funniest scenes I’ve seen in a movie theater in a long time.  “Laugh out loud.  Yeah, that’s what I did.”

*Seriously, Rami Malek.  Be in more movies.  You were so cute in Breaking Dawn but you only had like, two scenes.  You deserve your own saga.

*Why is this movie so funny?  Why am I laughing so hard?  What am I even watching?

*HUGH JACKMAN WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!

*I’m glad Dan Stevens ditched Downton Abbey.  He was never this funny as Matthew.  “Yes, hop, hop, hop!  You are REAL!”

*Owen Wilson, I thought you should know, I’ve always had a weird Texas crush on you.

*Why is no one in London questioning the Knight in Shining Armor riding through the streets on a white steed?  Is this just an everyday thing in London?

*Bus scene.  Hilarious.

I do need to take a moment to be serious here before I end this post.  This was Robin Williams’ final live-action film.  I went in to this film knowing that I probably wouldn’t make it through without tearing up, but I didn’t expect to break down completely.  I’m not going to tell you his final lines in the film, because I think they’re something you need to experience for yourself.  All I can tell you is that they broke my heart.  It seemed a goodbye message, not only to Larry from Teddy, but to all movie-goers from an actor we all loved dearly, and whose absence we still mourn.  It’s not fair that so many movies will exist without Robin Williams.  It’s not fair that such a great and wonderful life was cut short by such a tragic and shattering disease.  I will undoubtedly be seeing this movie again, and I will undoubtedly shed tears once again listening to Robin Williams bid us farewell.

“For Robin Williams. Magic Never Ends.”

You’re Okay

This is a post I’ve been thinking about writing for a long time. I’m not sure what’s been stopping me, really. Maybe because it’s another one of those personal things that really doesn’t have much of a place on this kind of blog. But in wake of the apparent suicide of Robin Williams, it’s something that’s weighing heavily not only on my mind, but on everyone’s.

I’m not saying anything new when I write that depression is an unpredictable disease, or that its victims often take friends and family by surprise. The illness itself is bad enough. What’s worse is being afraid to confide in anyone. That shouldn’t be the case, but it often is.

I can’t speak for all victims of mental illness, but when my symptoms began, I tried to convince myself that it was nothing.

Mind over matter.

I just have to will it away.

You’re just being silly.

Telling myself that was hard enough. It was even harder to hear it from the people I loved. I was told that I was just hormonal. I was told I was just being paranoid. I was told that I didn’t need to see a doctor. I was told that I didn’t need medication. Hearing all of that made me feel crazier than I already did.

I should probably stop right there and tell you that I am not clinically depressed. My mom’s side of the family has a history of mental illness, mostly anxiety. My mom and my sister have both suffered panic attacks in the past and have been treated for anxiety. As for me, I’m more on the obsessive compulsive end of the spectrum. As I got older, it got progressively worse until finally, I would completely shut down at the thought of last minute changes. On top of that, I began suffering from PMDD. Long story short, those few days of depression a month were absolutely miserable. I felt worthless, pathetic, and worst of all, unworthy of everything and everyone I loved.

If those few days were unbearable, I can’t imagine the toll chronic depression takes on its victims. Seeing a doctor and getting on anti-anxiety/anti-depression medication was one of the best things I’ve ever done, not only for myself, but for my friends and family too. I became the person I was before the anxiety and the compulsions started. I’m myself again. I love my life and everything about it.

No matter what anyone says, there is no shame in seeking help. Being on medicine doesn’t mean you’re weak. It means your brain chemistry just needs a little help to balance itself out. It’s time we stopped treating mental illness as something that can be overcome by sheer willpower or by pretending it doesn’t exist. It does exist, and it claims victims, more now, perhaps, than ever before.

If you are suffering from any sort of mental illness, know that you are not alone. You’re okay, I promise. I know because I’m right there with you. If you know someone suffering, listen to them, support them, and encourage them to get help. It might just save a life.

Oh Captain, My Captain

Five minutes ago, I was all set and ready to write a blog post about Shark Week, Ravenclaw socks, and new reviews. Now, I’m sitting here in shock, reeling from the news headline that just flashed across my television screen.

Robin Williams found dead.

It’s weird. Actors and musicians I’ve loved before have died, but none has hit so close to home as the death of the beloved Mrs. Doubtfire, Patch Adams, and Genie.

My generation grew up with Robin Williams. He was simultaneously the funniest guy you could think of and the guy who could make you cry with a single scene. It didn’t matter who you were. Everyone had seen at least one Robbin Williams movie. And everyone loved him.

Right now, I have my favorite movie scenes playing in my head. I see a zany professor dancing around with his bouncing green Flubber. I hear a familiar voice serenading the fabulous Prince Ali Ababwa. I see an ambitious medical student, holding a dying man’s hand, and singing about blue skies. I see a ten-year-old boy in a 40-year-old’s body gazing in awe at a new butterfly. I see young Ethan Hawke standing on a desk, declaring, “Oh Captain, my Captain.” And I’m trying not to cry.

The world wasn’t ready to say goodbye to you, Robin. And neither was I.