How to Survive A Horror Flick

As I write this, I am watching Sinister with my mom and my sister.  I’ve been wanting to see it ever since my sister, who is not easily spooked, declared it the most disturbing movie she’d ever seen.  So disturbing, in fact, that she told me that I wasn’t allowed to see it.  She thinks I’m a wimp because I got scared watching The Woman in Black with Harry Pot – I mean Daniel Radcliffe.  

I won’t deny that this movie is very disturbing.  But my sister told me so much about it, that I knew what to expect, so I’m pretty okay right now.  What usually scares me most about horror movies (like The Woman in Black) is when things jump out and surprise you.  I am very easily startled.  My sister is a bit smarter than I am, so she gets freaked out by all the deep, twisted psychological stuff.  Me?  I scream every time something pops out of the darkness and yells, “BOO!”  

Anyway, watching this movie, I realized that characters in these horror flicks would have a much better chance of survival if they stuck to a few basic guidelines.

1.  Don’t go in the attic.  Nothing good ever comes from going into the attic.  The same goes for the basement and especially the woods.  NEVER EVER GO INTO THE WOODS.       

2.  Never tell the antagonist or psychotic stalker or crazy killer that you’re going to call the police.  When you’re in a situation with an antagonist, you don’t provoke them.  You tell them exactly what they want to hear, play along, so that as soon as they leave, you can make a run for it.  Then call the police.    

3.  Don’t try to be the hero.  It’s never pathetic to ask for help, especially from someone who knows what they’re doing.

4.  On the flip side, if you are a side character in a horror movie, never offer to help the protagonist, especially if you are the only person who can help.  You will always end up dead at that pivotal moment when you are the protagonist’s only hope.

5.  The moment you realize there is something wrong, bail.  Get the heck out of the haunted house or creepy forest as fast as your feet can carry you.  

Bonus:  Don’t marry crazy artists or writers who get so obsessed with their craft that they go crazy.